Tongue Lashings

Ever since I found out that I had a rival for the affections of the girl I loved I became nervous. I won't say jealous, because I really had no right to jealousy. But I was nervous. Every time I saw him I would pick out flaws. In fact I was searching for those flaws. In my own judgmental attitude I degraded myself to critiquing him for his body odour, fashion sense, and other completely irrelevant things. But I also discovered bigger flaws, and although everyone has flaws I wanted these flaws to be public. Some of them were, but not because of me. I was constantly biting my tongue to not say anything ill about this guy, my rival. It was really difficult at times. But I bit down. Not once did I say anything ill about this guy to her or to anyone in our clique.

Then she came up to me and told me that he had approached her. My world crumbled. I didn't know what to say or do. Well, actually I did. I had to suck it up and do the right thing. The right thing was to wish her the best. Praying also that she not be hurt. But on the other hand I did not do the right thing by the other guy. I didn't wish him the best. He'd already gotten that. He had taken the one person I felt closest to. He had gotten the best girl in the world. I also did not pray that he not get hurt. I prayed that he not hurt her, of course, but if he got hurt himself I really wouldn't have minded too much. In fact I wanted to hurt him myself.

After finding out that her feelings for him might be reciprocated I tasted the bitterness of rejection (again). So every time I saw him after that I wanted to lash out. I wanted to scream out the flaws I'd been picking at over and over again. Today while reading in my devotions I came across Proverbs 11 and noted a pattern in several of the verses therein. All of the verses noted here are from the NASB.

Vs. 9 With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous will be delivered.

Vs. 12 He who despises his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding keeps silent.

Vs. 13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.

These verses hit me over the head. Thankfully I had not opened my mouth to say something bad. In part I did that because I knew who immature or petty it would look. I was more concerned with appearances than I was with my own heart attitude. My heart reflected a senseless despisement of my neighbor (vs. 12). That was not right. Though I had quieted my lips I had not taken the time to quiet my heart. My heart was still restless and wounded, wounded in such a way that it wanted to lash out at someone - anyone. The ridiculous thing is that no one had really done this to me other than myself. I hurt myself. It was not her fault, nor was it his. I don't blame him and I certainly don't blame her. The blame falls on my shoulders.

It's still difficult. Every time I see him I feel a surge of grief, anger, pain, regret, jealousy, and a whole tangle of emotions. But I need to learn to feel love. The old adage may the best man win is cliche and yet that is what I want for her. I am not the best man. I am far from it. Quite frankly, I don't think he is either. I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for such an excellent girl. Nevertheless I must wish him the best (even though, in a sense, he already has gotten it). If he is what God has in store for her than I must wish them both nothing but happiness and the richest blessings available.

To be able to do this I need to learn to love him. I need to learn to see him and pray that God take away any restless malice from my heart. It'll be hard. But I have to do it.