A Song for Me

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
...

Yeah. It's a little past 1 in the morning and I'm hurting. It's not something I can really explain. But it is definitely something I want to talk about. Talking about things is always a form of release for me. So, yeah, I was hurting and so I decided to listen to some Christian music. After all I need to boost my mood. I'd rather treasure the melancholy, enriching it with depressive music (something along the lines of Simon & Garfunkel or some other mellow secular nonsense). But I know that's not healthy. I'm not saying it's wrong. It's not. But right now it'd be wrong for me to listen to that. It'd be too big of a threat to my sanity. So instead I listened to Phillips, Craig, and Dean. Then I heard some Third Day. And just now I put on a CD of MercyMe and came across this song, Hold Fast. As you can see this song is written for me. It's for the hurting, and I'm hurting. It's for those who've had enough, and, to be honest, I'm rather fed up with everything. Nothing comes out right. Or does it? Just because it doesn't come out the way I want it doesn't mean it's not coming out right. But it's for me above all because I am so undeserving. The only thing I justly deserve is death and damnation. Instead I get grace. Not only that, I get grace on top of grace. I am trusting in God right now to give me the grace I need to walk through this dark, deathly valley. I will make it through. I have to. But I need His grace. I need His grace to make it through to tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do when I see her again. God knows, I want to see her happiness. That is what I want above all. At least I hope it is, too often my own silly selfishness gets in the way and clogs up the machinery. But that is my prayer - the best for her. And the best for her will be the same best for me, it might not be the togetherness I'd wanted but it will be God's will. That is always the best for everyone. So I will trust on His promises. I will trust that there is hope. He has always proven Himself faithful and will do so again. Undeserving. That's me. I am undeserving of her affections and yet she does measure them out to me. She gives me her respect. At times even a little of her admiration. Her love is also mine (as a brother...). So what right have I to cry for more? None, at all. I need to learn to be content with what I've got. I've got God's love fully poured out on me. I've got her love measured out carefully for me. I can't ask for more. But still I want more? Should I? I don't know. I really don't.