He [the wild man] has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible, which is also detestable. And it has a fascination, too, that goes to work upon him. The fascination of the abomination - you know. Imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate.
Marlow speaks these words from aboard the Nellie as it sails along the Thames in Joseph Conrad's novel, Heart of Darkness. Yet these words also speak of something deeper, at least in my mind. While in Argentina I had the awesome responsibility of translating. More often than not my translations consisted of various conferences and seminars or other such speaking engagements. But there were times, frequent times, when I would have to translate written documents and other such things. One of the documents that fell my way was a portfolio of sorts on sexual abuse. It was one of the most difficult translations I'd ever had to perform. Nearly every page caused me to stop from the pain embedded in it.
For the victim of child abuse, perhaps even those who are abused at a later age, there is, as Conrad said, a "fascination of the abomination." It somehow takes hold of the victim so that it becomes a part of his character. The abused party cannot avoid remembering and will think about the evil episode on a daily basis. Though his thoughts may often grow distorted, they are nonetheless painful. I say they grow distorted because one can mistake the abuse as merited when it is generally (if not always) not the case.
C.S. Lewis said that if ever anyone lies with someone else there is a transcendental relationship which must forever be enjoyed or forever be endured. For the victim of child abuse it is the same way. It is something that lasts forever, and it is something that must be endured. Our bodies are instinctively wired in such a way that, whether we like it or not, we respond physically to contact with another. Though this contact be brutally forced or of an aggressive nature it is nonetheless bonding.
Here is an illustration. An eight year old child has never encountered sexuality in any way with anyone and is one night suddenly raped. His innocence is rudely stolen and in it's place there is now an incomprehensible sense of the sexual and physical which has been awakened. It has been awakened much too early. The child has no idea what to do with it, or what to do with himself, for that matter. God saved these instincts, sexual instincts, to be aroused (and satisfied) in marriage. Now, for the child, these instincts have been aroused much too early and have no way of being satisfied. The child doesn't even know how to go about satisfying such instincts and must do as Conrad said, "Imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate." All of these influence a child. In his longing to escape there are few alternatives open to him. Surrender is really the only alternative available. It may be surrender unto suicide, something which the abused will easily contemplate. Or a surrender unto distorted sexuality, perhaps through pornography or similar dominance exerted on others (that is all the abused knows of sexuality). But there is another alternative of surrender. Surrender unto Christ.
Nevertheless the abused is trapped (unless freed in Christ) to an incomprehensible, detestable, abominable, and yet fascinating sexuality. Unaware, or rather, unsure, of what it all means the victim is trapped and without escape other than to hate. Hatred of others. Hatred of the abuser. Hatred of the rescuers (those who could have but didn't help). Hatred of self (this is a big one for every victim). And even hatred of God Himself. For this too there is a remedy. Love.
When freed in Christ the incomprehensible may or may not make sense. The detestable will continue to be detestable and the abominable will be abominable. The fascination will be channeled unto God and rightly laid at His feet. But above all there will be love. Love for others. Love for the abuser. Love for the rescuers. Love for self (an appropriate sense of love, of course). But above all a love for God.
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