The Cripple's Crutch

So here I am. It's all in all a good night. Work went by pretty quickly and I've just walked into my room from our cafe with a double espresso in my hand. I am anticipating a good night of study and general reading, perhaps even a little writing. That's pretty much what my life is all about. Sipping coffee. Listening to good tunes. Studying things that bore me. Reading things that fascinate me. Writing things that I don't understand. All of this is the life that I live.

My life may not always be that exciting but it is usually enjoyable. Unless I get lonely. Then, if lonely, I venture out of my dungeon and prowl the campus in search of some sympathetic ear that'll listen to my vagaries, or else a shoulder to cry on.

Strange habits. People are almost a last resource for me. And the reason I think about all this is because I was recently criticized over a dinner that I was not a sociable person. No, not that. I am sociable, in fact some claim that I can be quite charming if I set my mind to it. So it's not that I'm not sociable it's that I am anti-social. That is a dangerous thing sometimes. It can be quite unhealthy.

And yet (in search of an excuse) part of it is just my own chemical makeup. I mean psychologically I have good reasons for my hermitaneous tendencies. But that is still no excuse. You see, I need an excuse because I don't think that being anti-social is a very good thing. God did not make me to be an anti-social creature. He made me to be relational. He made me to form part of a family and part of a body.

So for all the psychology that I can use to lean on I know that if God had His way He would kick that crutch out from under me. And yet I'm scared. I have grown accostomed to hobbling along as a cripple when I know full well that He has made me whole. But still I want the support of my solitary crutch. People are good. They serve to comfort, sometimes (dare I say this) better than any book. And yet they also serve to crush. I don't mind a challenge, God knows, I appreciate most of all those who challenge me - intellectually and in so many other ways. But I can't stand being crushed any more. It all hurts so much. But I best quite whining.