You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule."
This introduces the song Babylon by David Gray. It also introduces my current situation. Recently I spent several months opening myself up - ever so slowly - to the charms of a girl. Only a few weeks ago this girl informed me she preferred my rival and that I basically didn't stand a chance. Since then I've been moping. Rightly so, in fact, for I'd invested much into the pursuit of this relationship. My hopes were shattered. But lately I've come to realize that my folly was not in opening my heart up to love but rather opening my heart up to the jealousy, bitterness, and ridicule. Since I discovered where her affections lay I've sensed a sort of hostility from her part. Perhaps I'm mistaken, but that is how it feels. I am naturally jealous of this guy, and although they say jealousy is a sign of insecurity there is no reason now for me to feel secure. As for bitterness, yes, this too has consumed me. Only last night he was talking, in a rather calloused fashion, before me of the conversation he'd had with her father. That was the conversation that I had anticipated and never received. Now, there he was, before me, bragging about it! To do that before a man whose heart has not yet healed is utter impudence. Ah, but then there is also ridicule. This too has fallen on me. Ridicule from others, from those who one would expect to be there for support are now proving their true colours - those of ridicule. But to these I foolishly opened up my heart and so the fault is not entirely theirs. In fact more blame must fall on my shoulders than on theirs. Yet nonetheless I do believe one is never wrong or foolish in opening up one's heart to love.
No comments:
Post a Comment