Miller's Modesty

He remembered that a cynical compatriot had once told him that American women - the pretty ones, and this gave a largeness to the axiom - were at once the most exacting in the world and the least endowed with a sense of indebtedness.

From Henry James' Daisy Miller this caption takes the American beauty/brat and gives her a slap across the face. Except for the one that fills such a characteristic (or label) is usually unaware that she deserves such a characteristic (or label). Funny how that works. There are some women who are unconscious of their beauty, a fragile sort of innocence. For example, my fiance is beautiful. In my eyes she is the most beautiful person in the world. In her eyes, she is not very beautiful at all. She spends too much time in comparisons of what others look like and who she might be if she looked different. Nothing I can do will really change that. It is part of her insecurity. I say many things, compliments and praises of her beauty are on my mind all the time and fall from my lips just as frequently. Still she won't believe me. Again, it's her insecurity. Nevertheless, she is - in her eyes - unconscious. Then there are others. There are those who are unconscious of their brattiness. They might be aware (or conscious) of their beauty, hence the brattiness. But they will be unaware of what kind of person they are. They will be aware of their beautiful "endowment" but not of their "exacting" behaviour or their lack of "indebtedness" (that is, ungratefulness).

Probably the best medium between a bratty beauty and an insecure beauty is the beauty that is indeed conscious but modest in their consciousness. A modest awareness and a modest appearance of that beauty.

My Soul's Courage

Faith is the soul's courage in its pursuit of the invisible.

That was a friend's Facebook status this morning. It was also exactly what I needed. Last night my fiance an I went shopping for Mother's Day presents. My card was rejected 3 times at Bath and Body Works. When I went to a nearby ATM it said I had some 250 dollars in my account but then when I tried to draw 20 it said I was overdrawing. Apparently my balance was a negative 250 dollars. Not cool.

My last paycheck (which I hadn't cashed) was for approximately 250 dollars. It was a smaller paycheck than usual because of a few days I had to miss due to school or missions activities. That paycheck was going to be my means of survival for the upcoming couple of weeks. The upcoming weeks are filled with craziness. Utter insanity. After my graduation on Friday I am completely destitute. I have a week of unconfirmed May school and then a summer full of insecurities. Not only do I not have a secure place to live, I don't have a job either. That paycheck was going to be my lifeline. Now it has to go to paying off a huge bank mistake.

After fuming (and terrifying my fiance) we went for a walk in the park. She let me vent. She also shut me up. I was acting like a jerk. I was full of fear and anger. I felt like kicking myself. I felt like crying. She was such an encouragement. She let me vent. She rebuked me. She prayed for me. She encouraged me. She held me. She loved me.

With someone like her in my life I know God will care for me. I know that He will care for us. My soul has faith in Him, and faith is my soul's courage as I pursue the invisible - both now in the summer and after, once we are married.

Books

Billy Collins is a personal favourite of mine. He was Poet Laureate for the US during, I believe, the early 2000's. One of the poems I love of his is the one titled Books. In this poem he tells of a library "humming" late at night and each book "together forming a low, gigantic chord of language."

Collins develops different scenarios - childhood reading, college reading, etc. But towards the end, the final stanza, he writes:

I see all of us reading ourselves away from ourselves
straining in circles of light to find more light
until the line of words becomes a trail of crumbs
that we follow across a page of fresh snow;

He does keep going, but these are the lines that interest me most. Do we read ourselves away from ourselves in search of more light? Is this a form of escapism? Is escapism a bad thing? I do think we read ourselves (the universal man) in literature and yet are able to lose ourselves in the piece, immersing ourselves in it until we lose ourselves. I also think we read in light because it is nigh impossible to read in darkness, but I also think we read to find light. That light can be an analogy for hope or some other virtue, but it is nevertheless true. We are searching for some sense of light. Thus being able to see truth. The truth that is found in our escapism of happily ended fables or the truth of violent tragedies of fiction or fact. Either way we find truth, by escaping into a book. And that is what keeps us going, that is the trail of crumbs we follow across and on to the next page.

In a Minute

"Some people live a lifetime in a minute."

These are the words Al Pacino uses as a rebuttal (or pick-up-line) to the extremely pretty girl he tries to sit with at a fancy restaurant. He says those words to her after she tries to get rid of him on the excuse that her partner should be arriving in "a minute."

This is a key scene that opens up to one of the most beautiful scenes of the film Scent of a Woman. In an incredible film, which garnered Pacino his Academy Award. Without elaborating too much on the plot (although it's not a movie you can "give it away" on) I'll just say that he, Pacino, plays a blind man and does so really, really well. Because of his blindness other senses are, of course, enhanced - including his sense of smell. Hence the title, Scent of a Woman.

But let's address the opening statement. Is that true? Sometimes time is just ticking away. We can get so easily distracted. Bored. Life is sometimes so slow. Sometimes, on the other hand, it is so fast that we feel a little overwhelmed. But life isn't measured by speed. I can't quite claim to know what it is measured by, but it is not whether the minute was fast or slow. What matters is if that minute became alive or not.

Bebo's Blog

This was taken (ripped off of) Bebo Norman's blogsite. He titled it "The Hunted Was God," and the rest of this blog is entirely his.

[Excerpt from an old Journal entry]

I'm reading Annie Dillard this morning and, as always, she is leaving me breathless. Her words say everything. Her willingness to find her own reality in the reality of the wilderness is compelling. She tells a story in Teaching a Stone to Talk (pg. 12) of a man who shot an eagle out of the sky. When he examined the eagle he found "the dry skull of a weasel fixed by the jaws to [the eagle's] throat." This is really a story of the weasel. She goes on to describe just how this sort of thing might happen. I did not realize this, but apparently weasels are relentless creatures - absolutely devoted to instinct, to the point of death. She talks of how weasels live "in necessity [while] we live in choice." A weasel attacks its prey by the throat and does not let go - stubborn instinct even unto death. And then she turns and wields the eye on herself:

I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you. Then even death cannot part you. Seize it and let it seize you up aloft even, till your eyes burn and drop; let your musky flesh fall off in shreds, and let your bones unhinge and scatter, loosened over fields, over fields and woods, lightly, thoughtless, from any height at all, from as high as eagles.

She takes this gruesome thought of decomposition and decay at the hands of instinct and shows me the beauty of it, the beauty of commitment. What if I confessed my one necessity? What if I lived with only one choice, which is really no choice at all? What if I stalked it, attacked it on instinct, and took it by the throat to empty and drain all the good and life out of it and into myself. Would I kill it? Not if it was an eternal thing. Not if it was an eternal source. Not if the thing that I was after had no beginning and no end. Not if the prey was truth. Not if the hunted was God. What if I confessed my one necessity? What if I lived instinctively for that alone? What if I attacked after God like a weasel its prey, "to locate the most tender and live spot and plug into that pulse?" The dilemma in my life as a believer is not to figure out what my calling is. My calling is my prey. My calling is my one necessity. My calling is God. So the dilemma is to actually live that calling - to live in necessity, not choice. My calling is to attack the throat of God not to drain the life out of it, but to draw the life from it. And only then does the battle begin - to hang on, jaws clinched, to this thing to which I am now a part, all the while being dragged, dangling up into the air. Up into far reaches and distant places, "over fields,over fields and woods, lightly, thoughtless" where I will truly live and where I will also die "from as high as eagles."

Validation

"She's a hard 10."

At least that's what the actors in She's Out of my League said about the (very) beautiful Molly (as played by Alice Eve).

Incredibly enough this ridiculous (and obscene) film gave me a lot to think about. Too much, in fact. On the way back from the movies my fiance and I talked a lot about the film. Well, at least I talked a lot about it. It wasn't, as I said, good. It wasn't any good at all, actually. But it did make me think.
The entire film revolved around one aspect - acceptance. That's what it seemed like to me anyway. Another way of saying "acceptance" is to say "validation." That word seems to carry a heavier psychological connotation and since that's my fiance's major that was the word we used. Plus it does seem to be a little stronger for vocabulary usage as well.

Validation. This movie was about the search for validation. This is a universal search and it is a unisex search. The incredibly beautiful girl wants it, and the utterly plain dork wants it just as bad. Everybody wants it, and not just in this movie either.

Some people discover their validation in good clothes, the kind that puts your credit card in deeper debt just because it has a popular little logo on it. For some people their validation is in their education or their career or their success at whatever they do. Some people even find their validation in their religion. No matter which of these scenarios a person pursues for validation they are all wrong. They are all unsatisfying.

If someone seeks for their validation in a source outside of God they will always end disappointed.

Talking with my fiance I confessed that I found a lot of my validation as a man in her. Naturally to find some sense of validation in her is not wrong, but to have her have the final say in the matter is wrong. She makes me feel like I'm attractive. She makes me feel like I'm strong. But whenever she is disappointed in me I feel bummed. That's a good thing, it teaches me I shouldn't disappoint her. It's not healthy for the relationship. But, again, she shouldn't be the one to have a final say in how I feel, or, how I am validated.

Does God make me feel attractive? Does He make me feel strong? Do I feel disappointed in myself when I disappoint Him? Am I validated through Him? I should be, He thinks I'm a "hard 10." Actually, He thinks I'm to die for.

The Truth in Lying

But 'tis strange: And oftentimes to win us to our harm, the instruments of darkness tells us truths; win us with honest trifles, to betray's in deepest consequence.
(Wm. Shakespeare, Macbeth, Banquo Act 1, Scene III)

Okay. Here we have Banquo, the hero, warning Macbeth to beware of the Witches (Weird Sisters) auguries. Although some of their augury has come true, after all Macbeth did legitimately become Thane of Cawdor, there was still a lot left to that same augury that didn't seem to be too accurate, and if accurate it wouldn't be too good. Basically, the second half of their augury was that Macbeth would also soon become King. They were genuinely prophetic. Macbeth, as we know, did become king. But at what cost? There was, of course, no legitimacy to his kingship. He achieved it via murder.

As I read this last night I couldn't help but think of how the Devil uses "angel of light" methods to deceive us. He is, after all, disguised in beauty as an "angel of light" but we know that it's just camouflage. In reality, he is just coming to steal, kill, and destroy. He is a liar, and the father of all lies. Even the ones that have grains of truth. Those lies that we somehow reconcile with our own consciousness because of that half-truth. And there is no need, of course, for me to pull out the trite little soap box of "A half-truth is a whole lie." We all know that. We just overlook it, sometimes purposefully.

It was also Shakespeare (I think) who said that the Devil cites Scriptures for his own purposes. He undoubtedly knows the Word well. He quoted it to Jesus when tempting Him out in the desert. The devil lies to us with our emotions. After all, if it feels good we can do it, right? Or with our intellects. We reason so many things out. This can't be so, it's too absurd. Or we say, This has to be this way, any other way would be absurd. He even tackles our faith. Perhaps this is the area we most frequently overlook his lies. But he is an artful deceiver in these areas. He tells us that we can add to our faith via good works. He tells us that God condemns us for our sins. He tells us that we can't quit our sins. He tells us that unless we quit (which is impossible) God won't hear our prayers. He tells us that we are guilty. That we need to measure up to God's love. He tells us all these lies and more. But he does so artfully because he often involves kernels of truth to his lies. Nevertheless they are still lies.

James 1:6

A friend of mine just walked up to me and asked, "Did you read yet, Chuck?" Overlooking the fact that he called me "Chuck" (blech) that was one of the kindest and most frustrating questions I've been asked all day. It was kind because he had his heart behind it, he wanted to help me out. It was frustrating because I was about to go to bed, and because of the "Chuck" thing. I am really tired. I am really, really tired. I had a long day of classes, a long day of work, and a lot of homework to look after. The 20 minutes or so I was able to spend with my girlfriend were spent (wasted) in an argument. The argument lasted longer into the night, consisting of phone calls, online chats, and 2 emails. To be honest, it still hasn't really ended and I feel awful because it is entirely my fault. So with most of my homework put out of the way I was happily thinking of going to bed and then WHAM! He drops the question. So here I go. Here is what I read tonight.

But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6

The thing asked for is Wisdom (look at vs. 5). It is something to be asked for in Faith. Not just any kind of Faith but a Faith that does not doubt, doesn't even contain the shadow of a doubt. This is not the normal kind of Faith. This is a very special Faith, and maybe that is why the world is filled with so few Wise men. "Are there many wise? Are there many noble?" Rhetorical question, to which, unfortunately, the answer is no. Doubt here is painted in a very negative light. It isn't necessarily always negative. It can be, but not always. Jesus gives room for doubt. Our Faith is often strengthened in our doubt. Apparently Wisdom is just one virtue that cannot coincide with doubt. It is the one virtue that will not be strengthened with a touch of doubt, instead it will weaken.

Word Choice and Context

Conquering Cynicism

Tonight I heard a man talk about the needs on secular college campuses. I really liked what he had to say. It sounded like something I might be useful in, and definitely something I'd be interested in. At the same time I didn't want to take it too far. After all, it's probably just one of those emotional tugs or experiential moments. It's something that will surely pass with time...or will it? I don't know, and I can't really know either. Perhaps the only way to really find out if it's for me is by making it mine. By simply going out there and doing the thing. If I don't go out and take some sort of action then I will just sit back and be complacent. If I'm expecting God to call me then I'm going to be doing a lot of waiting. God doesn't call, at least not anymore. Last thing I heard He gave us His word and told us to get down to business. He didn't tell us to wait for signs, or to somehow hear His voice or call. In fact, for me to ignore how I feel right now might be to ignore the Spirit. To ignore the Spirit and then to just lounge about waiting will eventually also quench the Spirit. Of course, I realize I've talked about feelings but these are positive feelings for a positive action with positive results. Even if it is undertaken selfishly, God will still use it for His own glory. What God doesn't want is for me to let my cynicism win out in the end. Unfortunately it usually does, will it win again?

Devotional Dilemma

I realize I've failed with my devotions these past few days. Three days straight without doing them. It's not due to senility, I've not just forgotten about them. No, I've actually just not done them. Maybe because I was in bed and didn't want to get out or maybe I just didn't really feel like it. Is that so terrible? After all, do I lose crowns by not doing my devotions? No, of course not, but, one might say, you do lose communion. I suppose that person might be equating a spiritual discipline with fellowship or communion with Christ. If devotions were about spending time with Christ in genuine devotion (not as a discipline) then I'd say they were right. Unfortunately all too often devotions are not about devotion or love but only about fulfilling a discipline. Here at my Bible College one of my profs recently confessed that he'd stopped doing devotions over 9 months ago. He explained that he just couldn't live having God "in a box" any longer. I'll be honest, I feel that way too. Part of me just wants to give it up, another part of me is too terrified of breaking the mold and then maybe being in the wrong by not doing devotions. But I don't think there is a "being in the wrong." If God is genuinely concerned about the heart attitude of things, which I think He is (after all, He said that there is plenty of lip service but not enough heart service), then I should be okay. My heart is not in my devotions any more, my heart is in a struggle even to love God. This has been a problem with me for years now. I just really dislike the idea of "doing devotions." God is not a task-oriented God. Well, I mean He might be, I don't know. But I do know that His priority is not in tasks but in relationships. That is why the Bible tells of meditating, studying, enjoying, and cherishing the Word. It never really tells us to read a verse or a chapter or a book or any amount every day. That's the other thing, every day! When I miss a day or two or more I feel bad. Guilt sweeps up on me and I know that is not the point of devotions and I know it is not God's purpose. Guilt is always a devil thing. But then if I do my devotions I am never really sure what I'm supposed to do. It's related, again, to how much I'm supposed to read. One reads a verse and walks away utterly satisfied, while another reads a chapter or a longer passage and also walks away satisfied. I read a verse, a chapter, or a passage and walk away sometimes still the same. Am I supposed to leave feeling encouraged? If so that is an experiential thing and that is not what being a Christian is about. It's not all about feelings. Feelings can be involved but they are not predominate. So what of facts? It's not really about facts either, at least not entirely. So there go both passion and intellect. Now what? I can learn something new, or I can be completely confused. I can feel good, or the same (or worse). I can...I don't know but I can do it. And maybe that's the problem. I can do it. But because it's me, because I can, it's not genuine. It's not about God. It's not about us. And God is so much bigger than the box we try to keep Him in, you know, that box we call devotions and applications and interpretations and who knows what else! So part of me wants to try out the old fashioned method of just going to Him or into Him when I feel like it or when I need to or when I have to or whenever. But another is telling me I need to keep to the structure. That I can't upset the balance (as if it were a circle of life or something). This other side is telling me that I have to do this and mainly because if I don't do what little I can do to put my own effort into this whole spiritual living thing then I might end up not doing anything at all. I wish I had some revival inside of me. Something that would make me genuinely enjoy the discipline of devotions. Or something that would make me quit them but still maintain a passion for being with Him and in Him and in His Word. Help...

James 1:5

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

The previous verse spoke of our not lacking anything. This verse seems to exempt that one, but also creates an escape clause for it. In this verse (vs. 5) we are told that we might lack wisdom. I think we do, at least I know I do. But thanks be to God who bestows His wisdom on us at all times, freely (both in the generous sense and in the literal sense). He also - I love this - does it without reproach. Sometimes I feel like I nag God with what I ask of Him. I'm like a bratty child who doesn't know when to shut up. God will never reproach me. He will never tell me to stop, or to shut up. He will not tell me I've asked enough or too much. He is a Father who desires to give good gifts. Parents on earth know to give fish instead of stones, as the gospels (Luke, I believe) suggest, but the idea is that our Heavenly Father is much more so adept at giving good gifts. That's who He is, it is a very intrinsic part of His nature to be a Giver. He gave His Son. He gave us life - twice! How much more than the wisdom to live our lives for Him, as He wants? That is, I suppose, what wisdom is all about. Knowing how to live your life, to live it out for God, but also knowing where to go to get the directions on how to make that happen. That is, I supposes, what wisdom is about, at least in part. It's going to God and then following Him through lie. Still, the beauty is that this verse is a promise even to us today. We need wisdom and we need to ask it of Him.

James 1:4

And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:4

Hmm. This verse seems a little sketchy. Endurance can produce a perfect result. I can accept that, but if it says that the perfect result is perfection, then I don't know if I agree. I mean, I'm not about to say that I disagree with the Bible, but my mind disagrees because it doesn't understand and is unable to reconcile Scripture-truth with "philosophy-truth." Maybe the second term (philosophy-truth) isn't the best choice of words, but it's the best I could come up with on such short notice. The reason I can't grasp that concept (of us becoming perfect) and have to grapple with it so much is because of the fact that perfection is, or so I believed, only to be achieved in Heaven. In fact, Salvador Dali once said, "Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it" (or something to that extent).

Because endurance is a "spiritual" virtue and because the context seems to be more ethereal I doubt the promise of "lacking in nothing" is a material promise. In fact, it contradicts other declarations of the New Testament that warn us that we will indeed suffer. Of course, those promises were for the Church and this book (James) was written to dispersed Jews (the diaspora). But that is a delicate argument as well, and I dare not wade into those muddy waters. So I return to the topic at hand. It is not a material promise. We will not lack nothing in the sense of physical or material riches (some might call them "blessings"), but we will not lack nothing in a spiritual sense. And, yes, I realize it is not lack "anything" and not, not lack nothing. I was simply trying to prove a point and do it more scripturally, if ungrammatically.

Basically I walk away with endurance is a very good thing. It is something we should pursue. Not that we should pursue trials to test our endurance, but that once in trial we should earnestly pursue endurance as our goal. To bear up under whatever it is that we have to deal with and to come out on the other side victorious is, I think, what endurance is about. So let's have at it. Let's endure under trial (or temptation) and be victorious because the promise is that the better we are at that and the more we develop that the more our own spiritual life develops so that in the end we will not lack anything (we might even be perfect).

Homesick about Heaven

Today has been a day ridden with severe pangs of homesickness. When I checked my mailbox I found I'd received a package from my sister. Among all the things in it there was a calendar with photos of Uruguay. This was probably the sharpest blow, but others added to it. A friend of mine from the Dominican Republic had a wedding (on the beach) and the photos for it on Facebook were incredible. These were the most evident reasons for my homesick but there were other one's as well, just that those other one's are more difficult to pinpoint. The problem for me and whenever I feel homesick is that I don't quite know what it means. I mean, I don't know what to do about it, but neither do I really know what it means. Songs such as "I Am, I Said" by Neil Diamond bring up the line "But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores." Or else the song "New York's Not My Home" by Jim Croce with the lines "That's the reason why I gotta get outta here, I'm so alone, that's the reason why I gotta get outta here, 'cause New York's not my home." So where is home? It's not New York, of course. It goes beyond that. Does it go to defining what culture I'd like to adopt? Or, perhaps more importantly, which culture would adopt me? After all, I am the one who feels lost between two shores, unsure of which one even wants me. It's not just a matter of which one I want, it's a matter of which one wants me. Neither of them make me feel completely welcomed or accepted. So, I'm now trapped between North and South America. If I lean towards North America I can choose from a variety of states, and if South America than I have to choose which country I want to belong to in the end. Perhaps I ought to go even further. It's not about New York, and it's not about whether I choose North or South America. The real issue is that I am not home, not yet at least. To throw in another song I might sing "Homeward Bound" by Simon & Garfunkel, because that is precisely the way I feel right now. I feel as if I was "homeward bound" and that the delay has just been way too long. I am speaking, of course, about Heaven. In my mind, Heaven is home. The implications of that are drastic, so drastic in fact that I don't even really want to think of them. To long for Heaven means abandoning everything on Earth. That is a difficult thing to ask of me because there is so much here that I genuinely love and long for, in the sense of ambitions and what not. But at the same time, as already noted, I don't feel at home and the grief that it sometimes causes me to be so trapped, to feel so "caught between two shores" is awful. That is why I am homesick, because I'm not home yet and I wonder sometimes if I ever will be.

James 1:3

Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. James 1:3

Theoretical knowledge of theology is a dangerous thing. I know this verse. I actually know it by memory too! But I am not consciously aware of this, especially when it is actually happening. When my faith is actually being tested I do not know (or remember) that it produces or can produce a good thing, endurance. How do I reconcile what I know with the experience in which I no longer seem to know? I don't know.

I suppose I ought to be grateful to God for testing my faith. I don't know why He has to test that particular area. Couldn't He test me in something lighter and easier? I don't know what, but to test me in my faith seems a little dangerous. Not only is my faith the foundation to my life and my way of living but it is also a precarious foundation, still vulnerable. Perhaps He does it to produce that endurance, but the danger of a test is that if failed it does not produce a good grade or happy result. Is that the way God grades? He's not exactly saying "pass this test, the testing of your faith, and I will grant you endurance." He's saying "when your faith is tested you will produce endurance." That's a consolation, but it's still a mystery to me.

My First Setback

Okay, confession time. Last night I wrapped up my homework, tidied my room a bit and then, feeling rather tired, I snuck into bed. Once in bed I looked across my room at my desk and then remembered I'd not done my devos.

Part of me felt an urge to get up and just write something down real quick. That was the duty, honour, responsibility part of me. The other part of me felt something else. The second part felt the urge to just lay in bed and let sleep catch up on me. That was the lazy part of me.

As you can see by last night's post, or rather the absence thereof, the lazy part won out. I'm not proud of it, neither am I horribly disappointed. Perhaps I should be a little more disappointed, but I'm not. God doesn't judge me according to how often I read His Word. In fact, I don't think He judges me at all. The Bible actually promises that there is no longer any condemnation for me. He loves me no matter what.

But I did feel a trifle bad for not keeping up with my discipline and for letting laziness take control of my situation. Was it a sin? I don't know. I don't think it was a sin to not read my Bible. I do think laziness is a sin, so maybe that was a sin of mine.

Still, there's no going back and patching it up. I can't make up for lost time. If it was a sin, God forgives me. If it wasn't, then I'm all set. Either way He won't beat me up over it, and neither should I. Too often the devil makes us fall into the trap of undermining our own spiritual progress by comparison. I can compare myself to this holy person who read the Word every day and was borderline perfect. The victorious and great giants of the faith always seemed to be immersed in the Scriptures and knowledgeable of them. To reach that level, imitate them. I think the one we are supposed to imitate is the One who saved our souls. Not man.

Nevertheless I think I am approaching this with unfair expectations. I had devos two days straight and yet I still sinned. I can't help it. Jesus can, He promised to help me in everything. But in and of myself, I can't help it. The problem is I don't really want to either. I want the easy way out, a short-cut, if you will. That short-cut might be just reading a little bit of Bible every day and signing off on my time-with-God checklist. I think that not sinning has to do with "hiding" His Word in our hearts. Not just ritualizing a verse here and there and expecting a miracle cure. But then again, I'm still processing. Still learning.

James 1:2

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials. James 1:2

Now let me think about this for a while. When was the last time I really faced a trial? I mean, really faced a trial? Okay, they aren't all that easy to think up. At least not any recent ones, but maybe that's because our lives are so much easier. I mean it's gotten a lot more comfortable without having to put up with the persecutions and other unpleasant aspects of the early Church. Perhaps that comfort is also what has led to our complacency. All of this of course goes on a downhill slope, and pretty fast too. The comfort opens up to complacency and the complacency opens up to complaining. Now whenever I do have a trial how do I respond? Is it with joy, or is it with complaints?

I hate to say this but sometimes even Church has become a trial for me. It's so early. It's so boring. It's so repetitive, especially if you've done it all your life. Originally Christians would thrive off of going to Church and it was the highlight of their life. Now, it is just another chapel message except for it's on a Sunday instead of mid-week (that's for all the BBC students out there).

The happy stories seem to make it worthwhile, you know, that whole "consider it joy" bit. Yeah, I mean if I go through a trial and come out victorious or somehow better because of it than, yeah, I can consider it joy. But that joy is almost as a consequence. To go through a trial and come out better is to go through it and still come out rejoicing. That is the proof of a trial's true worth. It is not in the trial itself, whether it's grad A hard or a lower grade of hardness. That's not it at all. No, the true test of a trial is in whether or not I can rejoice through it all. Can I? Even if there is no apparent victory (other than the un-lost joy), can I still rejoice?

James 1:1

This is my first day doing my devos online. I've chosen to start off with James. There isn't any real reason to choosing this book other than it's one of my favourites. Well, perhaps I shouldn't say that for it might be that the Spirit is leading me here and I'm just not aware of it, as usual. So here we go.

James 1:1

James, a bond-servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes who are dispersed abroad: Greetings.

Okay, here's what I see first of all - a name, James. This James just so happens to be the very brother of Jesus, as in His literal flesh-and-blood brother. Instead of promoting himself and bragging about who he is he humbly declares himself God's bond-servant, and calls Jesus not his brother but his Lord.

This book is written to the 12 tribes of Israel. Does that mean that it is not written for us? If we relied completely on context it might mean that, but at the same time we are called to study the entire counsel of the Word of God. This book is definitely for us. It's for me. I need it, I mean, I really need this book.

It is written to the 12 tribes but not the static ones in Jerusalem but rather the ones cast out (many of them literally outcasts). He is writing to the "diaspora."

He ends by saying "Greetings." Now this is interesting, it's not the regular Jewish form of greeting. It is not shalom, meaning peace. No, this is the Greek form of greeting and it has to do with cheerfulness or joy. Even though they were in the "diaspora" he still encourages them.

Devotional Accountability

Okay. Here's the problem. I hate accountability. I absolutely hate it. I don't like people getting involved in my life. I hate the tough questions. Why? I don't really know. Maybe because the answers have to be true, and if they are true they are embarrassing. Embarrassing to my own sense of pride or self-worth. You see, in accountability cases I always have to be honest about my flaws and of my struggles. They are usually things I know (or think) I can overcome. They are things in which I have a teeter-totter of hope that usually ends up leaving me defrauded. Because of that I have learned to hate accountability. There might be other reasons, but that's the most important one. The fact that I have been betrayed by past accountability partners hasn't helped, but the real problem is that I am too afraid of opening up. I'll be the first to acknowledge that this is not a healthy attitude. To remedy the situation I've decided to undertake a new challenge - online devotions. I am about to begin blogging my devotions on this same site. I don't know if it will work or how well it will work, but I'll give it a try anyways. Let's see what happens. As a writer, as amateur as I might be, I have an easier time opening up on paper. It might not come out well, but at least it comes out. By no means do I claim to have a "gift" for writing, this is really only a preference for writing. It is also a preference over "real" accountability, the face-to-face kind. So from here on out I am about to record my devotions. The purpose of this blog was originally to tell about my spiritual thoughts (or interferences). I took a few months off to seek after God in a new way. It was a serious search, an honest search. Many times I found Him in music or in literature or in other venues and would then write down my own thoughts about the matter. Now I realize that the greatest source for more of God is in His own word. Duh! Think about it, His word is His very own self-revelation. It shouldn't get much easier than that. At the same time, my devotional life has been much like my blog life, a roller-coaster. Yup. A spiritual roller-coaster and an online roller-coaster, or a writing roller-coaster. I suppose my life is like that in nearly all disciplines. I mean I don't think twice about brushing my teeth every morning. It's just the force of habit for me now. But my devotions have not yet become a habit, and I'm not sure that I really want them to, but I do want them to be more consistent. So on this blog I will now record my nightly (or daily) devotions. I may continue to post other things, in fact I more than likely will continue to post other things. But my new focus is now devotional maintenance. For you as the reader some of my devos maybe beneficial , some may be controversial (and I welcome the challenge), but in the long run what I expect from you as my reader is that you help keep me accountable. Be prepared, I may fail. In fact, I more than likely will. Here and there I might miss a day (or more than a day), but hopefully I will keep coming back. Of course this isn't going to last a lifetime, so at some point I will simply shut it down and, hopefully, keep on doing devos on my own. Until then, here goes.